Girlfriend Attempted: Fuel-leak

0830: Bath time
0900: Get dressed
0905: Breakfast
0910: Wash dishes
0915: Clean teeth
0916: Toilet
0917: Watch cars through window for 10 minutes
0927: TV and Video till Daddy arrives
1030: Daddy
2030: Bath time
2100: Supper
2105: Wash dishes
2110: Clean teeth
2111: Toilet
2113: TV and Video till 2145
2145: Lights out.

I sit at the table, watching our "least able" kid write up his activities for tomorrow. He has already made me feel like shit by refusing all help with his self-care. I even offered to wipe his arse for him, but he refused. He doesn't need me anymore. He even reminded me to get him a towel. Cheeky bastard.

As I sit there and watch him plan his next day, I ponder asking him for dating advice. Surely he has a step-by-step list. It would certainly help. But it's too late. He goes into the toilet, clicking his stop watch and then dropping his trousers. Conversation time is over.

That night, I attempt to outdo the cocky git and write my own list.

0900: Get up
0905: Ring garage about my car
0930: Pick up car and drive to Somerset
1200: Stop for lunch
1400: Arrive in Taunton for Speed Workshop
1600: Drive back home and write Chapter 7 of novel on the way
2000: Go to gym on way back.
2200: Bed and self-restraint.

The next day I stagger downstairs at 0927. The garage reports that my car has a fuel leak. The tank is rusted through. They will call me back with an estimate of price.

I call the Speed Workshop and explain my predicament. They rebook my appointment.

"I can do any day except a Tuesday."
"Okay, our next available slot is February 12th."
"Is that a Tuesday?"
"Yes."
"So many how many points will I lose on my licence?"
"We'll phone you back. Please send a check for £30"
"Why?"
"To pay for the workshop."
"But I'm not coming to the workshop."
"We still need the £30"
"I've already paid you £90"
"And we need another £30"

I put down the phone. It rings.

"£215 for a new fuel tank, Sir." says the Garage.

I put the phone down. It's 0945.

Bollox! I forgot to post my college assignment. BOLLOX, I left the tutor's email address at work. I text Maria.

"Hi, I'm going to the beach!" she replies.
"Answer my question!" I shout. I then realise I didn't send the message I was shouting about.
"What's Martin's email???"
"I'm not on that course."

I put the phone down. It's 1030.

The phone rings.

"Hello."
"Oh sorry, wrong number."
"No it's not. Hi, Vanessa."
"Sorry?"
"How are you?"
"Wait, is that Norman?"
"No, it's Greg."
"I'm sorry, I don't know you."
"Yes you do, Vanessa. I'm your daughter's housemate."
"I'm not Vanessa."
"Oh... you sound like her..."
"Is that 374455?"
"Yes."
"What are you doing in Norman's house?"
"This is my house! Wait... no, I'm 374445."
"Oh, okay. Sorry dear."
"That's fine."

I put the phone down. I make lunch.

I surf the internet as I let my lunch go down.

It goes down a long way.

It's 1500. I write some novel openings and then decide to have a shower. In the shower I come up with a new song. The cats approve. I surf the internet to find the song that I've ripped off, and am pleased to find that it sounds nothing like my song. Excellent.

It's 1700. I have early dinner, so that I can go to the gym. The plan is to do some upper body workout. Pecs = sex. I'll have a girlfriend in no time.

I let my dinner go down. I write a short post for the website about an angel torturing a demon because the demon stole his wife, who's now a sword, which he's using to torture the demon. I then have an argument with a 14 year old who wants to have a World War Two soldier with electricity for blood.

Its 2000. My housemate gets home and patronizes me, while the cats kick the shit out of each other. After a quick coffee and a bitch about the kids, she goes to bed.

It's 2100. I decide the write a blog.

Only half an hour before the gym closes...

Right, 45 press-ups and 90 sit-ups before bed.

What woman could resist me?