Texas Attemtped: Packing

So it's 12 o'clock and I still haven't packed for America. Still getting over Nan's funeral. College tomorrow, car tax to renew, dollars to get. Missing shit loads of work in the next two weeks. Aaaagh!!

Went to the Bloc magazine meeting today and felt completely out of the loop, even though I'm supposed to be the Head Editor. Thank God Rob is a tolerant man - I am forever sustained by the irrational altruism of others. God bless 'em.

Did the others know that I was out of the loop? Is that why they all spoke to Rob and didn't bother me with questions? Or was it something else - something that my insecurity dreads to mention? The feeling of being totally out of place. The people don't look at me the same... I'm sure of it. They think I'm slightly strange, slightly unreadable. They tiptoe around me, as if I am somehow pitiful.

They're right of course - but is it that fucking obvious?!! What I wouldn't give for someone to insult me now and again, or tell me I was shit. Talk to me like a normal person.

No, that's bollox - I would hate it if someone insulted me. My ego is too precious.

Maybe it's the way I look. I sometimes think I don't look ordinary. It's my neck. I hate my neck, and the right side of my face. I would hate to think they judge me by my neck - it is such a poor reference point.

I wonder how they have pigeon-holed me? I probably shouldn't ask, since I wouldn't like the answer. After all, I have pigeon-holed them all as inferior extras in my epic play. It's what I do with all people. Who knows what dingy backstage cesspits I occupy in the psyches of my fellow students? After all, they are surely just as egotistical as me. Fucking writers!

Oh well, nothing I can do about it. They're assholes, just like me. Maybe America will clear my head - I hear it has that effect on people.

I'll have to pack... maybe tonight or tomorrow before I leave. Right now I'm gonna drink some wine and talk to my girlfriend. At least she makes me feel normal.... ish.

12:06 and all's well.